Assertion: "You don't need therapy. You need Jesus."
Response: Jesus was a depressed zealot whose mom told everyone he came from spiritual seed. He was the life of the party because he brought the drinks. He was the only kid in his house with a different father; his siblings' father wasn't invisible and didn't insist that he kill himself for the sins of others who were made to continue to sin.
Jesus needed therapy. I need Jesus. I need therapy. Amen.